Last night, I gave you a letter I had written in September of 2010. My feelings since then haven't changed much. Yes, things have improved between you and I in the last year, but if they had improved as much as we'd hoped, we wouldn't be at the cross roads we are today.
I love you, D, with all my heart. You are my soul, and I couldn't imagine living my life with anyone else. That letter I wrote you the year to the date before our daughter was born said it all perfectly. I hope to grow old with you and sit on our front porch watching the sun rise and fall beneath the horizon together. Our future grandchildren will want to come and visit Mimi and Papa, because we will have it all.
That is a fairytale. It was a fairytale when I wrote it at 17, and it's still a fairytale. How in the hell are those things supposed to come true when neither one of us are on the same page? That letter I gave you last night, I have no idea if you honestly did read it or if, like all the others, you tossed it to the side. Or did you tear it up and dismiss it just like the one I wrote you in 2002? That's my biggest fear.
No, that is not my biggest fear. My fear is that our family will not remain a united family. We're falling apart at the seams, and these seams can only take so much pressure before they rip and we're left with nothing but the ruins of what could have been. I don't know what else to do at this point. I'm terrified of losing the one constant in my life. On the other hand, if/when I get over you, I'm terrified of what the world will throw at me.
Can I handle what is in store for me should you not be by my side? I'm not entirely sure I want to. At the same time, you don't offer much support for me when the chaos starts now, so why would you be my anchor to life in any other scenario?
There are many things I wish I could know. The workings of your mind and your honest feelings for me are tempting...I wish I could know these things, but at the same time, I'm not sure I would like the results if this were at all a possibility. I'm scared of what you think of me due to the fact that I am a horrible human being.
No, I'm not a horrible human being. I hate who I am when I'm with you. I dislike the way I allow you to control my emotions, and I dislike how I lose self control when it comes to you. I don't know how else to put this. My brain is tired, and it's 3a.m. Your alarm is going off, and I have to get our son ready for school in four hours. I'm calling it quits for the night...maybe.
D, know that I'll always love you.
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