Why?

Why are the words you choose to say to me the one's that hurt me the most?  Is it because you know what words will cut me in half?  Is it because you know me so well you know exactly what phrases will pierce my heart?  Why must you spew your hate at me?  Am I that evil?  Am I that awful?  I know I've said some terrible things...awful things to you.  I know I'm not the easiest person to live with, by far.  I have admitted this to you time and time again.  I've told you how incredibly sorry I am for being so difficult.  I've apologized, and things get better between us.  They do.  They get better, because the things that I am angry about no longer concern me.  I don't let the problems that I see with you get in between us.  In other words, I keep my fucking mouth shut.  I'm not allowed to have a damn opinion.  I can't tell you what I think you should and shouldn't be doing.  How fucking hypocritical is that, you narsasassistic, arrogant, fucking prick!!  I cannot believe that you would threaten me with the one thing in this world that means anything to me.   I can't believe that you would stoop to my level...ouch.  That one hurt to type.  It's the truth.  I"m no better.  I've done exactly what you're doing.  Many times.  I've threatened you with the one thing that means anything to you, because I know it'll hurt you.  Maybe that's why you've said and done what you did.  What about everything else?   I'm writing this goddamn blog, because every other fucking letter I've written you, you've dismissed.  I still have one of them in my sock drawer, because you fucking glanced over it and didn't give it a second thought.  You never take me seriously. My words don't mean anything to you.  Whether they're angry words or kind words or thoughtful words...none of it means a damn thing to you, and I don't know why I'm getting so fucking upset over this bullshit.  I've spent nearly twelve years of my life loving you and hating you at the same time.  Life's too fucking short to spend it miserably, so why am I still here?  Why am I still here after everything you've done to me?   I know I've hurt you, but nothing comes close to what you did to me last winter.  Why did you do that?  I think that is the problem.  You had a full blown affair, and I can't get over it.  I can't let it go.  I mention counseling, and you think we can fix this on our own.  Yeah fucking right.  Alot of good that's doing us, now, huh?  What the fuck am I supposed to do?  I'm a prisoner in my own home.  I want to leave, but I have no money, and I have no job.  I'm drowning in school, and I don't have a way out.  When I do find a way out, I can't think of ripping the kids away from you again.  I don't want to do that to them...or you.  I love you too fucking much to take them away from you, again.  I saw what that did to you before, and I don't want you to be a royal fuck up for the rest of your life, but without your kids, you use that as an excuse to get fucked up and drink and party all the time....saying things like, "YOu don't know what it's like to not have your kids."  Well, no I don't, but you would think that not having your kids would make you want to straighten your shit up.  Get it together.  I just don't think we're compatible anymore.  I think I've outgrown you, and we're definitely not good for one another.  I wish you could read this...I wish you could empathize with me.  Sit down with me, take my hand, and look me in the eye and say, I understand.  Let's make this work.  But you can't...you never will.  It's not in you, and that's what hurts the most.  You aren't capable of making this work.  You can't be what I need you to be, because it's not in you.  I don't want much, but what I have now isn't working anymore.  It worked when we were two kids in school up until we were two adult fuck ups with kids in school, but I'm not that person anymore, and neither are you.  We're not those people anymore, and we've outgrown one another.  We've drifted so far apart that I'm not sure we'll ever find our way back to one another.  I don't know how.  Why?  Why does everything with us have to be so fucking hard?